Why I Am Who I Am

This was a cool exercise we did in my honors class the other day. We wrote on four notecards: one had 30 words that described your childhood, another a description of the body part of a loved one, the third was a smell that reminded us of our childhood, and the last was some words of wisdom we always heard growing up. Then, we mixed the notecards up in a random order and read them aloud. Here's the one I made: 

Why I Am Who I Am

Harry Potter. Dragon Tales. Cats. The Outer Banks. West Virginia. The B-52's. Beanie Babies. The Never-Ending Story. The Hobbit. Redwall. Hilton Head. Dimmydale. Back to the Future. The Beatles. Freddy Fish. Beauty and the Beast. Backyad Baseball. The Rocky River Public Library. Scooby-Doo. Dragons. My cousin Logan. My grandparents' farm. Monster under my bed. Zombies. Singing in church. Gillian's three houses. Pokemon. Dino. Zoe and Forde. Goosebumps.

His hands feel smooth to the touch, but if you look closer you can see the cracks and indentations that line his skin. These are hands that had worked hard, but life had been kind in return. The pinky finger on his left hand is permanently bent, unable to be straightened because of a baseball accident. Also on the back of his left hand there is a scar, about two inches long, reminiscent of a past surgery. His hands are gentle, but they have seen and felt much.

"Don't fret."

The sharp smell of pine filled my grandparents' house at Christmas. Wafting from the kitchen was the sweet tang of apple pie, the sticky scent of maple and the warm scent of roasting ham. If you walked into the great room the smell of pine grew stronger and mixed with the smoke coming from the wood-burning stove.


So that's a little about me, in case you were wondering. 

Parents' Weekend

Sorry it's been a while. I really haven't had time to sit down and write in what seems like ages.

Last weekend was parents' weekend, and my mom and dad came down to visit. It was actually really fun; we watched the football game, went shopping, went out to dinner, saw a comedian, and hung out with my friends. I surprised myself by how excited I was to see them. I didn't realize how much I miss them and familiarity they represent until my mom had to leave on Sunday. I cried. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. I was sad as hell, and I think I'm homesick. I think it's taken this long for it to fully sink in, for me to fully understand what I'm doing here. I'm at college. What I do here will determine the rest of my life. God that sounds daunting. And everything's still so different. I have to take care of myself, learn effective time management, worry about everything all the time......it's exhausting, and I'm still getting used to it. I thought I was fine but.....maybe not yet.

Or, on the other hand, I feel like I'm falling into a rut of monotony that I can't seem to climb out of. It's so strange to have these completely different viewpoints bouncing around in my head, but that's truly how I feel. Like I'm being pulled in two different directions. On one hand, I feel like I'm still trying to get my feet on the ground and comprehend this change. On the other hand, I feel anxious and restless, like I want to constantly be moving around, doing something else, and being anywhere but where I am now. The feeling is especially strong when I think of my grandparents' house or of London, where I hope to live someday.

The only explanation I can think of is that as a person, I like change. I can handle it, embrace it; I crave it. I know college is something new, and I feel like I should be satisfied. At first, I felt as if it did satiate my need for change, but now it's old news. I have cabin fever. I'm only happy on the weekends if we go out somewhere, even if it's just to the mall. And I want to go to the farm so badly....I don't know if I can make it to Thanksgiving.

For once in my life I wish I could find peace and be content with where I am. I will never give up being adventurous, but will I live my life as a hopeless wanderer, never satisfied with my lot and constantly searching for fulfillment that I never seem to grasp? I do hope to settle down with a family someday; maybe this satisfaction thing will come with time.

Anyway, I feel a bit better now. Thanks for listening, nameless audience.

Doctor Who and Crying

I've decided that I am more emotionally invested in TV shows than I am in my actual life.

For the past few days I've been absolutely depressed about the last episode of Doctor Who. I'm still on the fifth season chronologically, but thanks to tumblr I know what happens.

WARNING: SPOILERS!! IF YOU ARE A WHOVIAN AND HAVE NOT WATCHED THE ANGELS TAKE MANHATTAN READ NO FURTHER!!

Amy and Rory died. I mean, we knew this was coming; Moffat warned us the ending was going to be like Reichenbach. But I didn't think he meant it literally!! I was so sad when I found out I almost cried right then and there. Amy and Rory weren't my favorite companions at first, but I grew to love them. And even though they died together, I felt their ending was the most tragic of all the companions. Rose got her own Doctor; Martha married Mickey; Donna forgot but she's alive and she has Wilf. In the end, they all leave the Doctor. And it makes me so freaking sad.

It's honestly kind of embarrassing how emotional I get over TV shows, movies and books. All my friends tease me about it, but it secretly kind of bothers me. I've decided that I just have this incredible empathy link with everything, and I'm such a sensual person that I like to experience everything I observe, even if it is vicariously. So that's why I cry when a lover dies; when families are reunited; when a happy ending is finally reached. I imagine I am that character, experiencing everything they do. I still haven't decided if this is a good thing.

Conversely, I almost never cry about my own life and my own problems. Of course, I've been lucky for most of my life thus far to not experience some great tragedy, like the death of a loved one or an identity crisis. But I have plenty of panic attacks and mental breakdowns that cause my other friends to break down. In these situations I am able to hold myself steady and I hide my emotions. It confuses me; I am so open with feelings related to fictional characters yet I am afraid to show my own. Aren't these emotions related? Shouldn't they be? Maybe this will be something I explore in the psych classes I take later next semester.

Thanks for reading. Whovian for life.

Tired

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, this last week has been crazy. So many papers to write, finally getting over my cold, actually having a social life for once.......it's exhausting. Honestly, I am really excited to go home next weekend.

So this guy started texting me the other day, right after my friend told me I'd have a boyfriend soon. It was pretty out of the blue, so I thought it was weird at first. Then he kind of asked me on a date thing....? We went shopping. Chris asked him a few days later if he liked me, and he said he did, but that he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. I'm not really sure if I like this guy, so being friends for now is fine by me. I am flattered by the attention though :).  Who wouldn't want that?

Just one more week and I'll be home. I can't wait. I need a stress release, my own bed, and a shower in which I don't have to wear shower shoes. God I can't wait.

I hope you enjoyed my fanfic from the other day. Another installment coming soon.

Peace.

Whoa Man.

Well that was a strange turn of events.

So remember that guy in my last post that likes my friend's roommate? Yeah...right after I posted that I told him she didn't like him that way. I wasn't going to tell him, but he really wanted to know. He claims he's fine with it, that's he's not even sure if he really likes her, but I'm sure he's still kind of disappointed...I mean, I would be.

Also, one of my best friends thinks I'm going to have a boyfriend by Thanksgiving....? She told me she just had a feeling. Don't know what to think of that, but I'll take it I guess. 

Nothing new to report today. I have a cold though, which sucks. Right in time for homecoming weekend too. Oh well, hopefully it will be a bit better by the weekend.

I have no classes tomorrow, so I'm pretty pumped to sleep in and chill. Hopefully it will help me feel better.

Since I have nothing else to say and I've been promising you fanfiction, here's the link ti my first installment of my nameless BBC Sherlock fanfic:

 http://whateverpeoplesayiamiswhatimnot.tumblr.com/post/31874646410/here-i-go

Enjoy! 

Weddings and Love

So I just got back from my cousin's wedding and I feel like I missed so much. I was gone for three days and my friends had so much fun without me......I know it happens, but I still feel sad that I missed out.

Also, one of the guys I thought I kind of liked likes my friend's roommate. Which is fine. I can see why he likes her; she's incredibly pretty, she's witty, she's funny, she doesn't take shit from people. The only problem is, I know she doesn't like him back. She told us that he reminds her too much of her cousin and she'd never date him. But if she knew how he felt, would she change her mind? I don't know. I feel bad that he's being led on, but she's not doing it on purpose. And I don't think it's my place to tell either of them how the other feels. This is something they need to talk about.

But this got me thinking about me and my non-exisitant love life. I've been single for 18 years so you'd think it wouldn't bother me anymore. But it does. A lot.

At the beginning of school this year I had three guys going after me. One already had a girlfriend, the other has dropped me like a hot rock, and the other.....he's the guy above. SO what does this say about me? That guys like me just because of my looks? That they think I'm hot but once they get to know me they lose interest? I'm not that type of girl. I don't dress provocatively or act like I'm just out to get some. I'm looking for a long-term, lasting relationship with a guy that I like. I just want someone to love me like Sarah and Ross love each other. Like Danny and Patty love each other. I know I'm young, I know people are telling me not to rush things, I know there's someone out there for me, but I'm tired of waiting. And where are the duds? I know I'll probably have to date a few of those before I find "Mr. Right", but where the hell are they? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of watching other girls get what I want so badly

Sorry if I sound ungrateful or whiny. Maybe I just watch too many sappy movies. But I have and always will be a hopeless romantic, though I'm starting to believe that I'll never find the love I'm looking for. It's not that I have high expectations; a guy has truly never liked me before in that way. Never. I've had plenty of crushes myself, but never has the guy reciprocated the feeling. It's just a bit discouraging, ya know?

Anyway, got to go do someone homework. Thanks for listening to this depressing rant, nameless audience. Hopefully some fanfiction up soon.

Random

Back to school after the long weekend. It was weird being home again, like I was returning from a week-long camp or something. When I'm here I don't feel homesick, even though I was sure I would, but when I get back home I feel like my weeks at school never happened. It's the strangest feeling I've ever had and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I guess it's good, especially when I head to London in the near future.

I was getting really annoyed with my family. It's not like they were doing anything especially aggravating, but every little thing they did or said seemed to get on my nerves. Maybe I just wasn't used to being around them all the time. I don't know. I felt bad. 

I'm writing a speech for one of my Comm classes in which we have to pick an aphorism and say whether we agree or disagree with it. Naturally, I'm using "Keep calm and carry on" because it's awesome and British. I think it's a good motto to have for college as well.

I'm going to try to post one of my fanfictions in the near future. I'm also writing a narrative in one of my classes about how I began writing, so I'll post that here too as soon as I'm done.

Finally.

So hi. I made this thing eons ago with every intention to actually write things about my life and it's many trials and humors but I haven't had the time.....so, now that I'm in college, naturally, I'm finally going to start.
This blog will mostly be filled with angsty posts, amusing anecdotes, short stories and fanfics I write, and hopefully some of the papers and speeches I'll be writing in class. It will also be a place in which I rant about things and people that I can't say on Facebook, Twitter, or tumblr.
I don't really care if anyone reads this. But if you do, and you like it, say so! You'll make my day :)
This is Heidi O, college student, dork, and writer extraordinaire, siging off for now.