Happiness update: leveled up Tuesday night, when I manned up and asked for something I wanted. It wasn't hard, the risk for me is basically zero, and still I was afraid to be assertive. I really have to stop that.
I was chatting with Sara the other day and we were talking about high school. She was the "band nerd" in high school, and she was telling me how weird it was to not be one in college. How she felt almost lost or naked without the label. When she asked me what I was, at first I couldn't give her a straight answer. I was never really "in" one specific group all four years; I was one of those weird kids who tried to balance sports and theater, but never felt completely tied to either one. I had friends in multiple circles, in multiple walks of life.
It had never bothered me before. Why was it bothering me now?
I guess that for all my bravado, for all my talk about knowing who I was and being secure with myself, I'm still confused. Still unsure of who I am. In high school, I eventually identified my myself as a "theater kid". But I still never felt like I truly belonged with those kids. I absolutely love theater and always will, but I was constantly comparing myself to others, measuring my worth and talent in comparison with theirs. With someone who's completely different than me. Who has different talents, a different personalty.
Looking back, I realize how stupid that was. And now, here I am doing it all over again. Thinking that just because we have an amazing theater program means I could never compare to these kids who are majoring in something I see as a hobby.
You know what? Fuck that. Fuck that way of thinking. Who says I can't take a chance and try out for a play or a musical? I do. I am my own worst enemy, my own roadblock, and my worst critic. I am stopping myself from doing something I love, and that is totally messed up.
But now I say fuck labels. I can be whatever the hell I want, be the person I want to be, because it will make me happy. I know I've said this before; I thought I was over all this and my insecurities my senior year of high school. But you know what? Things change in college. More things than I expected honestly. I'm still the same basic person I've always been, but I've grown so much in a year even I can't believe it sometimes.
I am me.
I just started laughing because that sounds like the world's worst name for a superhero or something. Like, if you were about to be killed by a villain and the door busts in there's this guy standing there and the villain asks, "Who are you?" in awe and the guy looks the villain dead in the eye and intones, "I am Me."
I think it's time to go outside.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Thinking About Things I Shouldn't Be Thinking About
Call me Brittney Spears because oops I did it again. I'm thinking about life and the future, and absolutely freaking the hell out about it.
Last night I went to this PR mixer our PRSSA held at a local restaurant. It was like speed-internshipping; we went around to different tables and talked to PR representatives from different companies around Columbus about how they got their jobs, what kinds of internships they had in college, what they look for in an intern, etc. Basic stuff. They also asked us about ourselves and what we're thinking about pursuing. I was really enjoying myself, really telling these people about myself and where my passions lie, because I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my PR major. And I'm okay with that. But one woman said something to me last night that got to me more than I'd like to admit.
I was telling her about my love for music, books, movies, and the theater. My biggest problem is trying to mesh some of my hobbies together with my future job, and I understand that it may not work out that way. I really do. I'm not naive; I know my perfect job does not exist, or it may take a little longer for me to find out what I want to do. But I was telling her the hopes and dreams that are closest to my heart, the dreams I don't tell anyone else because I am afraid of what they will say, because I felt comfortable in this environment. The other professionals all told me that they had maybe never heard of a job like I was describing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. They had all encouraged me to keep my mind open and to not give up my search for a job that will satisfy and stimulate my needs.
So I described myself to this woman and told her my problems, my deepest fears. She looked me in the eye and told me that I would never be able to find a job like the one I was describing, so I may as well give up now and forgot about finding a job that I enjoy.
I was a little stunned. I didn't know what to say. I understand that from her perspective, she thought she was being honest and saving me heartbreak and wasted time later on. She thought she was doing me a favor, telling me what I can and cannot do before I had a chance to figure it out for myself. While I appreciate her honesty, I also feel sorry for her. She doesn't know of every PR-like job in the world; the field is so broad there's probably thousands she's never even heard of. The fact that she has such a myopic view of the field, that she can't imagine different jobs besides the ones she has experienced personally, tells me that she's not the person I need to be listening to.
And yet, last night, laying in my bed, I couldn't get her words out of my mind. No matter how I tried, that horrible feeling that she could be right continued to haunt me. What if I never found the right job for me? What if I never amount to anything? What if I just fail at life and never accomplish anything?
Well I have a message for you way-too-heaavily-makeuped-lady. I will find an awesome job someday. It may not be the exact one I'm imagining now; it might even be something completely different, something I haven't even thought about yet. That's the great thing about PR. I probably will end up doing so many different jobs in my lifetime that there will never be a dull moment, and (hopefully) no instances where I feel stuck in a rut. There's so much more to the world, and I feel sorry that makeup lady doesn't see that. I see the world for all it's opportunities and possibilities, and my goal is to never lose my curiosity for discovering new things and places and adventures the world has to offer.
I feel that I am in the right place. I may not know exactly where I fit in to this world is yet, but they say half of life's the journey right? I am not lost, just on a rather foggy part of the path that becomes clearer with every passing day.
Last night I went to this PR mixer our PRSSA held at a local restaurant. It was like speed-internshipping; we went around to different tables and talked to PR representatives from different companies around Columbus about how they got their jobs, what kinds of internships they had in college, what they look for in an intern, etc. Basic stuff. They also asked us about ourselves and what we're thinking about pursuing. I was really enjoying myself, really telling these people about myself and where my passions lie, because I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my PR major. And I'm okay with that. But one woman said something to me last night that got to me more than I'd like to admit.
I was telling her about my love for music, books, movies, and the theater. My biggest problem is trying to mesh some of my hobbies together with my future job, and I understand that it may not work out that way. I really do. I'm not naive; I know my perfect job does not exist, or it may take a little longer for me to find out what I want to do. But I was telling her the hopes and dreams that are closest to my heart, the dreams I don't tell anyone else because I am afraid of what they will say, because I felt comfortable in this environment. The other professionals all told me that they had maybe never heard of a job like I was describing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. They had all encouraged me to keep my mind open and to not give up my search for a job that will satisfy and stimulate my needs.
So I described myself to this woman and told her my problems, my deepest fears. She looked me in the eye and told me that I would never be able to find a job like the one I was describing, so I may as well give up now and forgot about finding a job that I enjoy.
I was a little stunned. I didn't know what to say. I understand that from her perspective, she thought she was being honest and saving me heartbreak and wasted time later on. She thought she was doing me a favor, telling me what I can and cannot do before I had a chance to figure it out for myself. While I appreciate her honesty, I also feel sorry for her. She doesn't know of every PR-like job in the world; the field is so broad there's probably thousands she's never even heard of. The fact that she has such a myopic view of the field, that she can't imagine different jobs besides the ones she has experienced personally, tells me that she's not the person I need to be listening to.
And yet, last night, laying in my bed, I couldn't get her words out of my mind. No matter how I tried, that horrible feeling that she could be right continued to haunt me. What if I never found the right job for me? What if I never amount to anything? What if I just fail at life and never accomplish anything?
Well I have a message for you way-too-heaavily-makeuped-lady. I will find an awesome job someday. It may not be the exact one I'm imagining now; it might even be something completely different, something I haven't even thought about yet. That's the great thing about PR. I probably will end up doing so many different jobs in my lifetime that there will never be a dull moment, and (hopefully) no instances where I feel stuck in a rut. There's so much more to the world, and I feel sorry that makeup lady doesn't see that. I see the world for all it's opportunities and possibilities, and my goal is to never lose my curiosity for discovering new things and places and adventures the world has to offer.
I feel that I am in the right place. I may not know exactly where I fit in to this world is yet, but they say half of life's the journey right? I am not lost, just on a rather foggy part of the path that becomes clearer with every passing day.
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