Parents' Weekend

Sorry it's been a while. I really haven't had time to sit down and write in what seems like ages.

Last weekend was parents' weekend, and my mom and dad came down to visit. It was actually really fun; we watched the football game, went shopping, went out to dinner, saw a comedian, and hung out with my friends. I surprised myself by how excited I was to see them. I didn't realize how much I miss them and familiarity they represent until my mom had to leave on Sunday. I cried. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. I was sad as hell, and I think I'm homesick. I think it's taken this long for it to fully sink in, for me to fully understand what I'm doing here. I'm at college. What I do here will determine the rest of my life. God that sounds daunting. And everything's still so different. I have to take care of myself, learn effective time management, worry about everything all the time......it's exhausting, and I'm still getting used to it. I thought I was fine but.....maybe not yet.

Or, on the other hand, I feel like I'm falling into a rut of monotony that I can't seem to climb out of. It's so strange to have these completely different viewpoints bouncing around in my head, but that's truly how I feel. Like I'm being pulled in two different directions. On one hand, I feel like I'm still trying to get my feet on the ground and comprehend this change. On the other hand, I feel anxious and restless, like I want to constantly be moving around, doing something else, and being anywhere but where I am now. The feeling is especially strong when I think of my grandparents' house or of London, where I hope to live someday.

The only explanation I can think of is that as a person, I like change. I can handle it, embrace it; I crave it. I know college is something new, and I feel like I should be satisfied. At first, I felt as if it did satiate my need for change, but now it's old news. I have cabin fever. I'm only happy on the weekends if we go out somewhere, even if it's just to the mall. And I want to go to the farm so badly....I don't know if I can make it to Thanksgiving.

For once in my life I wish I could find peace and be content with where I am. I will never give up being adventurous, but will I live my life as a hopeless wanderer, never satisfied with my lot and constantly searching for fulfillment that I never seem to grasp? I do hope to settle down with a family someday; maybe this satisfaction thing will come with time.

Anyway, I feel a bit better now. Thanks for listening, nameless audience.