It's Always a Good Time

Happiness update: leveled up Tuesday night, when I manned up and asked for something I wanted. It wasn't hard, the risk for me is basically zero, and still I was afraid to be assertive. I really have to stop that.

I was chatting with Sara the other day and we were talking about high school. She was the "band nerd" in high school, and she was telling me how weird it was to not be one in college. How she felt almost lost or naked without the label. When she asked me what I was, at first I couldn't give her a straight answer. I was never really "in" one specific group all four years; I was one of those weird kids who tried to balance sports and theater, but never felt completely tied to either one. I had friends in multiple circles, in multiple walks of life.

It had never bothered me before. Why was it bothering me now?

I guess that for all my bravado, for all my talk about knowing who I was and being secure with myself, I'm still confused. Still unsure of who I am. In high school, I eventually identified my myself as a "theater kid". But I still never felt like I truly belonged with those kids. I absolutely love theater and always will, but I was constantly comparing myself to others, measuring my worth and talent in comparison with theirs. With someone who's completely different than me. Who has different talents, a different personalty.

Looking back, I realize how stupid that was. And now, here I am doing it all over again. Thinking that just because we have an amazing theater program means I could never compare to these kids who are majoring in something I see as a hobby.

You know what? Fuck that. Fuck that way of thinking. Who says I can't take a chance and try out for a play or a musical? I do. I am my own worst enemy, my own roadblock, and my worst critic. I am stopping myself from doing something I love, and that is totally messed up.

But now I say fuck labels. I can be whatever the hell I want, be the person I want to be, because it will make me happy. I know I've said this before; I thought I was over all this and my insecurities my senior year of high school. But you know what? Things change in college. More things than I expected honestly. I'm still the same basic person I've always been, but I've grown so much in a year even I can't believe it sometimes.

I am me.

I just started laughing because that sounds like the world's worst name for a superhero or something. Like, if you were about to be killed by a villain and the door busts in there's this guy standing there and the villain asks, "Who are you?" in awe and the guy looks the villain dead in the eye and intones, "I am Me."

I think it's time to go outside.