Today I got some rather disappointing news. All spring break I had been excited to start this acting class I had signed up for. Some of the older theater majors at school needed some actors for a directing class they are taking, so I decided to give it a shot. I memorized a monologue, auditioned in front of about 15 directors, and I got cast! I love the stage, but being me, I was really nervous to audition. I didn't exactly have the best time with directors in high school; I knew I could act, but I never got a lot of positive reinforcement from my directors. Everywhere I turned, someone was telling me I just wasn't good enough.
Finally, by my senior year, I decided that I didn't need their blessing to know I was good enough. So I pretended I didn't care. But the truth is, I was still acting. Of course I wanted them to care. Of course I wanted them to believe I was good. I never got that satisfaction, but I thought that maybe, because Krystal, a junior musical theater major, had chosen me to be in her scene, that I was good enough. And I would show myself and my directors back home that I can amount to something in acting. That I am good enough.
Then Krystal got a part in the international tour of Dream Girls last Monday (I mean wow. Just wow. That is so incredible I can't even. Wow.). It's such an amazing opportunity for her, and I am so happy she got the part. But I didn't realize that she would be on a leave of absence the rest of the year, and as the email informed me she would not be able to direct our scene (obviously).
At first I just shrugged it off. Eh, whatever. Shit happens right? But then I started thinking, and all these feelings from the last few years began to bubble to the surface. Things I haven't felt since I looked at the Fame cast list and found my name in the chorus. Then, embarrassingly, the tears came. Totally unheeded. Those tears welled up and I felt a deep, incredible sadness overwhelm me.
Because I want to act. I didn't realize until now, but it's honestly killing me. I have no acting outlet, less frequent opportunities to get myself out there than I did in high school. And I look at my best friend, who is friends with all the drama kids at her school, and they put on funny plays and she's the stage manager and they break into the theater at night to play scenes from a hat and why can't I have friends like that and have drama friends that don't just party and smoke weed I mean is that really too much to ask???
Sorry. I'm so frustrated because I thought this was my chance. If I believed in signs, I was sure this was one, telling me to go for it, follow this dream no matter how crazy it appeared because it's something I love. And you don't give up on something you love.
So dear readers, I'm not giving up on this. There's no way in hell I'm giving up. Because did I give up after four years? No. I'm still upset, and I might be for a few days. I was really looking forward to this. But I'm not going to throw in the towel after all this time. By casting me, Krystal told me she believed in me. It's time for me to start believing in me too.
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